My mother is an alcoholic, and she has been since I was quite young (probably before I was born... probably since the 1950's, since she first had access to her first tragic cup of alcohol).
The verbal and emotional assaults which she has put on me have gone on for as long, and perhaps becoming more frequent as she gets older, as the poison inside of her "ferments" (excuse the pun).
I sometimes feel trapped in a paradigm where I'm the only who knows what she's really like, and other people only know the less ugly, exterior part of her.
Most of the videos on this blog will be only partial scenes. I'm often not able to video record entire scenes because I mostly have no advance warning of when an episode is about to start, and there are no cameras inside the house except for my smartphone. I often have to place my smartphone somewhere quickly to capture the event, as her behaviour often 'improves' vary rapidly (nowadays) when she sees me holding the phone camera towards her.
I'm going to document my experiences on this blog because I want to show:
1) that alcoholics always contradict themselves
2) that alcoholics thrive on hurting other people
3) that alcoholics do not process logic in the same way as non-alcoholics
4) that alcoholics have no sense of personal responsibility for their actions
5) that alcoholics are absolutely poisonous
For every example which I present, I'll try to include:
1) EVIDENCE that the alcoholic mother remembers the event
2) IRONY, which shows the contradictory nature of alcoholics
Background
"Why she is what she is"
Reason #1
As of this writing, I'm yet undecided whether I should publicly disclose the nature of this particular childhood trauma (the reason for my mother's alcohol dependence), but I can infer it and you can use logic to fill in the blanks:
Suffice to say, she isn't a fan of paedophiles -- especially when one of them was her mother's boyfriend, and especially when another of them was her sister's husband.
Reason #2
My mother was one of 12 children which my grandmother carelessly spat out of her overactive uterus -- she was actually the last of those 12 children, and she was also the most unloved child. As someone said, when you've had 12 kids, you're probably just "over it".
The problem and symptoms
Sandra is somewhat of a typical case of an alcoholic, an unloved child, and a battered woman with low self-esteem. This is a very poisonous combination and it has created a very poisonous and tragic woman.
According to her deluded world view, it goes something like this:
- She isn't hurting anyone
- There is no problem
- It's her life, and nobody else can tell her how to live it (anymore)
Some of the symptoms are:
- She feels overly compassionate for people who are abandoned, and overly passionate for people who abandon others
- When she is drinking, she needs to be kept (via external stimuli) in a very positive state of mind, else she can revert to a very dark place
- When she is having alcohol, her personality reverts into that of a little girl. This 'little girl' personality is what I deem to be her 'real self', and her sober personality is a mere construct that she uses to interact with the world when she feels unsafe (when her blood alcohol level has dropped below a certain point, which is usually around 1pm the next day).
Early life
Sandy had a very sad upbringing.
Adult life
Sandy often goes to the Upper Hutt "Cossie" Cosmopolitan Club (https://www.cossieclubs.org.nz/) - a place where she is respected.
It is a place where people go to 'socialise', and it consists of the following 'socialisation' tools:
- an alcohol bar
- multiple bar staff
- tables with seating
- gambling machines
- a restaurant (for when the patrons want to reminisce about how it feels to fuel their bodies on solid foods)
It has since combined with another club - the Returned Services Association (RSA), which is a club for war veterans, so you can perhaps see how all the patrons have some level of trauma which they'd rather forget about!
Sandy goes there to forget about her childhood traumas, and from her adulthood choices which she has subconsciously manifested, as a result of those childhood traumas.
Real-life examples
Example 1:
(2020) I work from home, and often stay in my bedroom listening to music with the headphones on. Stupidly, I keep the security door closed, but unlocked, which is a security risk (I could get robbed when I'm home alone!). Because of this, Sandy tells me to lock the security door when she leaves because I won't hear any intruders when I have my headphones on.
On this particular day, I decided to take her advice and lock the security door while she was out.
Sandy returned from the Cossie Club, probably about 7:45pm, as she normally does. I was still in my bedroom, where I had been all day, and the security door was locked.
She tried to open the door (which is not normally locked), and discovered it to be locked, as she had instructed/suggested.
She called out to me, and I heard her the first time. I went and opened the door, but by then it was too late - she was very angry at me for having the door locked.
"Don't you dare lock the fuckin' door! Don't you dare!"
"It's my house. Don't you fuckin' dare lock the door."
And so I went back to my bedroom, and proceeded to use distract myself with my laptop. She walked in to my room and again made the point of saying, "Don't you dare lock the door!", in a very angry voice.
For the next 15 minutes (estimated), she continued to walk around the house, muttering, "Don't you dare!"
The EVIDENCE that she remembers doing this: she no longer tells me to lock the security door when she leaves the house.
The IRONY is that she instructed me to lock the door but, when I finally did as she instructed, I am punished for it.
Video: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1DaVQ_BU63iFZX8Y1bS76DNJSkSUEnBIq/view?usp=sharing
Example 2:
(2020) Sandra had a friend over for drinks.
Example 3:
(2020) Sandy has a friend named Pat whom she takes care of. One night, Sandy sent me an SMS/text message to come and pick her up from Pat's house. Pat's two sisters were present at Pat's house that night.
I hadn't met one of Pat's before, so I sat a while to talk. It went the usual way, as conversations do, until Sandy - due to her lack of self esteem and inability to talk when she's sober - decided to use this as an opportunity to assist in the modification of my overall behaviour to suit to alcoholic world view.
She told Pat's sister, "He thinks he's going to control me, but he's not."
Unfortunately, for Sandy, Pat's sister was sober. Oops. 😃
Sandy repeated this point to Pat's sister, as she often does in the presence of her friends, to ensure that I heard it. (I am, after all, the intended recipient of this message. Sandy was just using Pat's sister as an excuse to speak out against me.)
"He thinks he's going to control me, but I've got news for him."
Pat's sister saw very clearly what was going on, and she tried to keep the conversation topic upbeat.
Next up, Sandy decided to tell everyone that my father used to beat her. Six times, she told us.
"His father... used to... [sobbing] beat me."
[sobbing]
"His father used to... [sobbing]"
[sobbing]
"His father... used to... beat me."
[sobbing]
"His father used to beat me."
[sobbing]
"His father used to... beat me."
[sobbing]
"His father... used to beat me."
After Sandy had finished telling everyone how both I and my father have contributed to her life, it was then time for me to help her out the door, down the stairs and to my car, because she was too intoxicated to walk there herself. Pat's sister (the sober one) came with us because I was giving her a ride home to her place.
As I was holding Sandy's arm on the way to the car, Pat's sober sister quietly said to me, "We've got to build her [Sandy] up."
While I agree with her, in principle, I think there is a big part of the story which she has overlooked... that is: Why would I want to build someone up, when they want to tear me down?!?!
Is it my job to take the high path, and help to heal my own mother who has no desire to heal?!
I don't think so.
Nay, actually: I know it isn't so.
The EVIDENCE: Thankfully, Pat's sister was sober, so she had the opportunity to observe Sandy, and to observe what I have to go through. Do I feel justified that someone else witnessed it? No. I'm beyond that now, and I have been for a long time. I don't need witnesses; I already know that Sandy is 'a drunk' because I've lived it from my early teenage years, and again as an adult.
The IRONY in this example would probably be that Sandy sent me an SMS, asking if I could pick her up and bring her home, then she proceeded to let everyone know that I'm 'trying to control her'.
Example 4:
(2020)
Video: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1DaVQ_BU63iFZX8Y1bS76DNJSkSUEnBIq/view?usp=sharing
Example 5:
(2020)
Video: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1DaVQ_BU63iFZX8Y1bS76DNJSkSUEnBIq/view?usp=sharing
Example 6:
Ever since I was a teenager, or perhaps even younger, my mother has attempted to modify my behaviour to suit her liking. One of her preferred methods is to compare me to my father who used to physically abuse her, both before & after I was born. (I believe that the domestic violence between my parents actually started before they got married, yet she decided to marry him anyway! Perhaps she thought that a wedding ring would act as a protective omen for her eye sockets and her ribs, and furthermore thought it a good idea to have a child to an abusive husband.)
Whenever I say something which is out of alignment with her alcoholic views, she says to me, "You sound just like your father."
By pure accident (or by divine inspiration), I discovered the perfect counteraction; to tell her that she's just like her mother. And it worked. She broke down in tears.
On other occasions, I've used the actual name of her mother (Gladys), and it worked a treat on her.
The EVIDENCE: N/A - I didn't have a video camera back then.
The IRONY is that she has always told me to treat others the way you want to be treated; "What's good for the goose, is good for the gander." She attempts to modify my behaviour by comparing me to my father, but when I do it back to her, she breaks down in tears.
Nice one, Sandy! You might want to take your own advice.
For all the times that my mother said it to me, she never apologised for the malice behind it, nor for attempting to use it as a method of behaviour manipulation. But when I do it back to her, she acts as though I've stabbed her in the heart.
There is a singer by the name of Melanie Martinez who wrote a song about tragic people like you - it's titled Cry Baby: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O87lzhoexyA
"You seem to replace
Your brain with your heart
You take things so hard
And then you fall apartYou try to explain
But before you can start
Those cry baby tears
Come out of the darkSomeone's turning the handle
To that faucet in your eyes
You pour it out
Where everyone can seeYour heart's too big for your body
That's why it won't fit inside
You pour it out
Where everyone can see"
Example 7:
(Context: Sandy had been drinking beers the night before, and I suspect that she often still experiences some effects of it most mornings.)
I woke up one morning, opened my bedroom door, and the first thing she said to me was, "Come here. I want to show you something."
She led me to the lounge and showed me a cardboard sign which she had written using a permanent marker pen. It read: "Fuck you".
I mistook her intention, thinking it was somehow jest (albeit a very strange joke!), and pretended to gesture as though I wanted to smack her playfully. She then showed me a piece of paper on the dining room, in front of the chair upon which she usually sits. It read, "Fuck", written in a ballpoint pen, with a circle drawn around it which had been re-drawn many times.
She explain that the cardboard note was payback for my writing the message of "Fuck" on the piece of paper on her table.
Unfortunately for her: I didn't write it.
She said, "Someone must have written it, and it wasn't me!"
I replied, "You wrote it. Just because you don't remember it, doesn't meant it didn't happen!"
Surprisingly, she actually thought about that concept for a few seconds (the concept of memory loss due to her alcohol hobby), then she realised the error of her ways ...until next time.
The EVIDENCE: after hearing my retort, she dropped the subject matter and looked a bit sheepish.
The IRONY is that the scribbled profanity which was left on her table, was drawn facing the angle of her chair - which I never sit in, and that still wasn't sufficient for her to determine the identity of the actual offender. I think I'm beginning to understand how she lies to herself about other events; "Out of memory, out of mind."
Example 8:
After kicking me out of the house while she was intoxicated, I returned to the house a few days later.
Understandably, I had no desire to listen to her, so I came in through the front door and returned to my allocated bedroom, without talking to her as I came in.
Sandy then phoned one of her friends. After some useless 'small talk', she said to her friend, "My Son has just came back. He's living with me, so keep that in mind! Keep that in mind."
She was warning her friend about my presence in her house, and why?! Because Sandy wants her friends to think that I'm going to kill her.
Yes, you heard correctly. Sandy wants her friends to think that I'm going to kill her
The EVIDENCE: I have evidence that Sandy was fabricating this to her friends, for the purposes of... whatever alcoholic fantasy her mind created that night. Two days after she phoned her friend and warned her that I'm going to murder her; she asked me if I could drive her to Upper Hutt.
Yes. You heard that correctly. Two days later, she wanted to get into my car - with me as the driver - and drive her to town. Incredible. It makes me wonder what her friends actually think of me, and I wonder what stories she has since fabricated for them, to explain how her murderous son is yet permitted to live in her house. Maybe she told her friends that I have schizophrenia which I'm taking medication for.
The IRONY is that now Sandy has to face her "friends" and modify her story so that it makes sense, and to justify why her murderous Son is still living with her.
Example 9:
When I was a kid, but even more so now that I'm an adult; she sometimes does this thing where she has a need for me to suffering from an emotional upset. I.e She wants something to be wrong with me, so that she can swoop in and comfort me.
(My drunken Dame in shining armour! With thine beer glass and broken mind, thou doth seek to comfort me.)
This fits in with another fantasy which she has fabricated, where nobody else in this world could ever love me (those are her exact words, used multiple times). Therefore, since nobody else could ever love me, and she is my only friend; she must be the one to rescue me from the people of this cruel world.
Her inability to see herself, combined with her aforementioned belief, results in a false reality where, everyone else (anyone else!) but her, must be the cause of my every perceived misery.
Unfortunately, my sister has this same behaviour -- I wonder where she learned it from!
The IRONY is that :
- She has caused me more upset than anyone else I've ever met
----------------------------------------------------------------------
MISCELLANEOUS RANTS
21 November 2020, 9:15pm:
Sandy: *starts crying*
(At this point, I should've pretended not to notice and quickly dashed off back to my bedroom but, foolishly, I didn't have that reflex at the time) 😑 😑 😑
Me: "What's wrong"?
Sandy: "People at the Cossie [Cosmopolitan Club] say I'm looking older... and I am looking older."
Me: (thinking to myself: I wouldn't know. I hardly notice your face anymore... all I see is the poison inside of you but, please; do continue with this story... It certainly has been a while since I've heard a good tale about how victimised you are.)
Me: "Who said you're looking older?!"
Sandy: "No... people at the Cossie have said."
*she starts touching under her eyes, with her fingertips, to accentuate how much older she is looking*
Sandy: "No, don't you think that I'm over it! YOU need to work on yourself!"
Me: "You need to work on YOURSELF!"
Sandy: "No, you, because... don't get me wrong; I don't mind having you here [in my house], but you put me on edge sometimes. You do things and it's like your father is still here. And you have anger, like I don't even know how much!"
Me: "Yes, you have no idea how much, and where do you think that came from?"
Sandy: "Your father."
Me: "Yes, and who do you think makes it worse? [i.e. You!] You need to work on yourself, and you need to stop drinking alcohol, forever."
Sandy: "You know who you sound like?! Shannon!" (A family member)
Me: "Talk to me when you're sober. I'm going to my room. Bye."
*I walk off to my room and close the door behind me*
Sandy: *rambles from the other side of the door*
The IRONY here is... everything, but I especially liked the part when she said, "you put me on edge sometimes". I can definitely relate to what she is saying here because I feel "on edge" at 7:45pm when the Cossie Club van arrives to drop her home -- it's the suspense of not knowing whether some event during the day has triggered her fragile emotions, and whether I'm subsequently going to become the (un)intentional target of her broken feelings.
29 January 2021, 10:43pm:
I went for a walk at about 10:30pm.
Here is the phone recording below: (transcript to come later)
https://drive.google.com/file/d/16uiMf2ZkS1rjf1h4yYAcsfi6Q86P3ak-/view?usp=sharing
6 October 2021:
I feel dirty because, mum has a foot fetish and she keeps trying to look at mine.
It combines with her other mental issues, such as her OCD, and becomes regular. When I drive her somewhere, she gets into the passenger seat, grabs the door as if to close it, then looks over at my shoes for about 3 seconds, then closes the door. She does this every single time.
Around the house, I now wear socks and/or slippers because I can't handle this anymore. It's dirty, and it makes me feel dirty. Do not sexualise your own offspring. That is not normal.
Later than evening...
6:12pm - "Remember you've got to stay 2 metres apart", she says (reminding me to do social distancing at the place I'm going to tonight)
10pm - Arrived back at home. Mum has been drinking alcohol to increase the function of her bodily organs and immune system, to protect herself from the SARS-CoV-2 coronavirus.
7 October 2021, 2:pm: